I can already hear in my head the words that might be used by some to describe this post and me, after reading it - sexist, misogynist, pig... might be popular examples.
But the people who know me well, know that I love, admire, and am awed, inspired and sometimes confused by the opposite sex just as much as the next guy. What is listed below is simply my observation thus far, into the largely incoherent, confusing and expansive female universe that I've encountered in my adult years.
While many women who know me and read this will undoubtedly be tempted to find glimpses of themselves in the numbered categories below, I must assure you that I have (except in very few cases) stayed away from personalizing anything written below.
Also, read it as light-heartedly as I wrote it - very.
Let me finally start,
- The 'Wild, "Let's-do-something-craaazzyy!"' ones -
I'm talking about the real deal here, the fake-crazy is another category altogether. These women are genuine adrenaline-junkies. They're usually fun to be around, but when you're just not in the mood to be in the newspapers the next day, she'll waste no time in emasculating you.
'Woohoo! Fuck yeah! Drive faster, pussy!' - The '"I'm bad!", but she's really not.' ones -
These are the ones that aspire to be members of the first category, and will make every attempt to seem that they are. But really, when things seem they might get hairy, she'll freak and you'll feel guilty for the rest of your life. She's usually a pretty good person though, and good to hang out with.
'Let's do something craz- wait, is that a cop?!?' - The 'victim' -
Yeah, her...
Usually someone-you-know's ex. Spends the majority of her time either crying, or calling someone else an asshole.
'Why does this always happen to me? Tell me! Tell me!' - The 'competitor' -
'Anything a guy can do, I can do better'. Not that anyone ever said that she's in any way inferior to men, but no, she still has to put it beyond any doubt. But there is no doubt, I hear you say. No, says she, but I bet if I tried I could put a doubt in your head, since you couldn't!
'You're doing it wrong, wait let me do it!'
Oh and, 'My phone's just better than yours!' - The '"I'm good.", but she's really not.' ones -
Always polite, always nice, always helpful, you know the type. You say to yourself, what a nice person! But then, eventually it comes to light how she's been badmouthing someone to someone else, bitching about her roommate and so on; all the while telling everyone what an asshole you are.
'Awwwwwww...' - The 'I'm such a lesbian, ya!' -
You know, you laugh along when these ones say weird things, because you're thinking, 'hey, guys make gay jokes too.' But then one day she gets so explicit, you almost crash your car into the divider.
'We got so drunk, we kissed, ya!' - The 'I'm a bro, bro!' -
She listens to death metal more hardcore than you, chugs down beer faster than you, swears more than you, wears baggy jeans, doesn't know what make-up is, and best of all, she doesn't make a big deal out of it and you don't care.
All good, but sometimes you forget she's a woman and you almost give her a chest-bump.
'You should've banged that bitch, man!' - The 'All-over-you, until you make a move.' ones -
It may be that the language of 'coming-on-to-someone' is different for both the sexes, but these ones will climb all over you in public, stroke your arm for no reason, play with your hair all day, whisper in your ear so seductively that you'll have to walk bow-legged for a few minutes, but when after a long time of all this, one day you say, 'Hey, maybe we should go ou-'
'No! We're friends! What's wrong with you?' - The 'future-wife' -
Extremely rare, and usually unexpectedly discovered. These ones are usually diamonds in the rough for a long time, and then one day...
'I will! Yes I will!' - The 'I can't go anywhere unless I wear this year's spring line!' ones -
These ones will try on five different outfits, finally choose the latest Armani dress and a matching Dolce & Gabbana handbag, and then with 3 similarly dressed girlfriends, they'll go to the neighborhood rehdi-waala and say, 'Teen paapdi chat aur ek pani puri, bhaiyya.'
Perhaps I exaggerate, but then, no I don't.
'Gooooochiii?' - The 'sex-bomb' -
*wink *wink
You can't tell it to her face but, god! Wayyy out of your league, and you know it, so you never even try. But one can dream.
'I'm up here!' - The 'easily shocked :O' ones -
In her presence, you say something as nasty as 'bastard' or perhaps in punjabi, 'saala', she'll clap her hands to her mouth and shake her head, while you suddenly look around, thinking a bomb just exploded behind you.
I imagine these are the ones who will one day have the 'Mummy ko bataunga' type kids.
':-O' - The 'great friend' -
These are the ones you love, the ones you and your friends love, usually in a quite platonic way; the sweetheart of the group and the one that's picked on the most. She'll end up going out with someone quite outside her circle of friends and you'll warm to him as well, soon enough.
But you know if he hurts her, you'll murder his entire family.
'Stop taking my goddamned hairclip!' - The 'My daddy never loved me.' ones -
I've met a few who said this, and I was always really saddened by it. Popular culture always had me believe there was a majority of 'daddy's girls' rather than those who felt otherwise. I met some in the opposite category too, but surprisingly few.
'Just someone who's not like my dad.' - The '"I'm so hot!", but she's really not.' ones -
These ones walk with the air of someone who has the crown-jewels bedecking her, wondering why more people aren't gawking at them. She'll talk down to you if you ever happen to engage her in conversation, nose in the air, eyebrows raised, while you're just trying to ask her her friend's phone number.
'Don't these people have something else to do than look at me. Hey, hey! I'm talking to you - don't these people...' - The 'Now that I'm not fat, let the proposals fly in!' ones -
Yeah, okay, you're half the woman you used to be, but you didn't have to lose half your personality along with the fat. And they'll constantly remind you how much weight they lost and exactly how they did it.
'Remember when I wasn't so...hot?' - The 'communal-cups' -
I don't want to say more, it'll be too...nasty.
'Sure we can!'
I could come up with more, but then this post would be too long (it already is), and I'd have to be really reaching to make it interesting.
A lot of the women I've known fall into a lot of these categories simultaneously, some are specific to one, and of course none fall into all. I have tried my hardest not to sound overtly misogynistic but where I seem to have, I ask that you excuse me and know that my intentions were not such.
I am a hardcore fan and an ardent follower of womankind.
A lot of the women I've known fall into a lot of these categories simultaneously, some are specific to one, and of course none fall into all. I have tried my hardest not to sound overtly misogynistic but where I seem to have, I ask that you excuse me and know that my intentions were not such.
I am a hardcore fan and an ardent follower of womankind.
And it is my great hope that one day I'll have at least one and hopefully many daughters of my own. And I'm sure their friends will say they fall into many of these categories themselves. Not, it will be my strongest endeavor, No.17, and of course never No.14.
Still, a lot of you might find a lot of that I've written awful and horrible; I urge you that if this is the case, and also if it is not, to let me know in the comments, and I invite you to read further into my blog, and find more things awful and horrible, or perhaps, hopefully, good.
Still, a lot of you might find a lot of that I've written awful and horrible; I urge you that if this is the case, and also if it is not, to let me know in the comments, and I invite you to read further into my blog, and find more things awful and horrible, or perhaps, hopefully, good.
