One particular nightmare.
The stupidest thing is that I could never remember what the nightmare is, really. But I used to wake up crying because of these things when I was eleven or twelve.
All I remember about these dreams is that they involved some situation wherein I had been working at something for a while, putting a lot of effort and commitment into something, and then very near the end, it abruptly was taken from me. Leaving me with a lot of time wasted, or perhaps having spent something that could not be gained back.
It sounds rather stupid, even to me.
But take this thought and this feeling and put it in the worst situation imaginable, and that was perhaps what it was.
It was loss of control.
Loss of control over something you have really invested in.
I have sometimes had this nightmare in the recent past, perhaps two or three times in the last five years.
The reason for the decline in the occurrence of this dream is perhaps the realization and acceptance over time that I am not in control.
No one is.
Acceptance is a version of control.
You will surely disagree.
But.
Acceptance is the version of control we delude ourselves with, everyday.
Your body and it's many wonders and more numerous failings, you control.
Almost.
It's hard enough to control your head.
Your mind wanders.
Weird shit pops into your head at the most inappropriate time.
You say things that shock you later. In the heat.
Of the moment.
Control.
Other people?
Na, you think so? You're unpredictable enough for yourself most of the time.
Remember what you wanted to be?
Remember how good you thought you would be? The good boy, the good girl? The perfect man, or the perfect woman. A friend to everyone.
Angelic.
Incorruptible.
You say it turned out to be impractical, being that. Yes maybe.
But.
Acceptance is the version of control we delude ourselves with, everyday.
Control.
Over yourself, over people you love, over people you hate.
Never had it.
In the first place.
Take it as it comes, is the mantra. One day at a time, is the prayer.
You take chances. And you throw the dice. And when it goes in your favor, you are rewarded with the illusion of control.
When it doesn't...
I have friends who, a few years ago, were in love with each other, young love, stupid irresistible, mad love. And I was happy for them. And I actually thought to myself whenever I met them together that it would be wonderful to party at their wedding. You know, get all drunk, and be happy for them, and all that shit.
Hate.
Each other. Now.
I know the usual. Shit happens.
Yes it does, doesn't it?
You promise to be good. You promise to be true. In front of your God, you promise to be faithful. More than all of that, you promise yourself that you will.
And then you are you! All of your shortcomings.
People? They are inherently good.
People are inherently good.
Laughter track.
Your version of control is the belief that other people will behave in the way that you expect them to.
It works a lot of the time.
When it doesn't...
It doesn't.
I do not particularly believe in destiny. Or in fate. I am not advocating fatalism.
I believe in resignation.
I believe in acceptance.
Acceptance is the version of control we delude ourselves with, everyday.
Shit happens to everybody.....ask the most successful ones...you'll find they went through hell. But the strongest steel is forged in fire and when the test comes, it has to prove its mettle. Not resignation, but a resolve to come through... is the mark of a real man. But then, as they say, there is always free will....how you use it, is for the future to witness...
ReplyDeleteYou did it again, a mistake. A mistake of believing in only the way you think or dream. Your Give and Take post, remember? You even liked when an anonymous shared another prospective. But you just read, not understood. People do mistakes. This shit happens every day, over and over. Doing a numerical wrong in a test is a mistake, ignoring prescribed meds is a mistake, allowing to gain weight is a mistake, so are arrogantly ignoring a true love, arranging a marriage, speeding, abusing anything, but see…, this shit happens, all over.
ReplyDeleteThe key is to realize a mistake, learn from it, revert it as quickly as possible, and avoid it in the future. This needs wisdom, which comes with experience, which comes by committing mistakes. See the catch 22. Wise men do do mistakes, but they correct them, leverage them, and do not ever think about resignation / acceptance shit. These are the folks who control their lives, people, trades, institutions, countries etc. Look around there are humans who do this.
Nightmares are mistakes with ugly or no return. A man drives over his child in a drive way while backing up is a nightmare. This shit also happens, with ill fortune. Any awakening before a nightmare is a fortune. So is a mistake. Know the difference. Take back control. Accept it.
You stated it exceptionally well.
ReplyDeleteMy web page :: MCM バッグ
The Best kind of Control is control over your own thoughts and your subsequent actions.If you can control your mind you will feel contented and happy because you will only be doing what you really want to do.After all life is just a pursuit of happiness.
ReplyDeleteAnd as you wisely said you cannot control somebody else's thoughts and actions.Acceptance is not bad if you accept things as they are and move on from there.Life and people are not always fair,you have to accept this fact and move on in life after collecting your thoughts or if I may say controlling your mind and doing only those things you feel are inherently right and feel contented with.
Of course you will sometimes feel a sense of losing control even on your own mind, that is okay,accepting this and moving on is the way forward, and soon you feel in control again.
Why the author has not chosen to share his thoughts on these comments is a mystery?It would be interesting to know the author's viewpoint on all these comments.
ReplyDeleteResponses to responses?
ReplyDeleteSeems like a closed loop doesn't it?
To each his own.
Thanks for the comments though.